3-mob.com 
Tafadzwa Chiganga is a Finance and Operations Executive based in the Netherlands and she has a story to tell about her
This is her story unredacted
Yesterday Larry Kwirirayi noted that it is difficult for some people to understand why domestic violence victims find it hard to leave their abuser.
I hope my story will shed some light. He was 25 and I was 22 and we were so in love. He was my best friend. We did everything together. Everyone around us knew us, and most were envious of our love.
We had been engaged for 6 months when the beatings started, totally unexpected and out of the blue. For those who don’t know me, I am no timid girl, nor am I dependent. So when it happened the first time, we broke up. I had this! No one was going to treat me like that and get away with it. But the truth was that I was in shock. It became clear as the months went by, that I could not reconcile how this was happening. It seemed too, he was struggling with it. We eventually talked and resolved to get back together. He cried so much when we talked. He had seen his dad do this to his mum and had vowed never to be that man… what was happening..?
He was my love, my best friend – how could I just leave? We could help each other through. Often times he would stop abruptly after realizing that he was beating me up, then turn the heat on himself as if to chasten himself for it. I would stop him, and he would plead for forgiveness and weep. Often times we would weep together…
Talking about it was hard, because nobody seemed to understand. Mostly people would want to ridicule him, shame him and well, tell me to leave. They did not understand that I still loved him. That there were also all these awesome things we did other than fight. That he needed help.. that we were working through it. There weren’t enough people telling me the truth. That yes he needed help, and where he could get it. That they would stick by me no matter my decision. That the door was open if ever I wanted to chat. There were less people who left me to decide, with no pressure. There was but one though, who would give me what I needed when I needed it. And when I was ready, I went to her office and asked if I could move in. I had my own place but at this point, I desperately needed someone to take care of me. With her, my stories were not juicy gossip, nor were my emotions unreasonable. I was free to be, make mistakes, and grow.
I often blamed myself, because sometimes I pushed him too far. Most times though, I just could not understand how my charming prince turned into a monstrous beast every now and again. After the last time, I gathered the guts and went to report the case to the police. I thought this way, he could get help.. someone would do something. They did not believe me, nor did they take my report. Instead they asked me to call the guy and they would resolve the case. When he arrived, they laughed at me and said that he was the one who should have come to report because he had visible signs of attack. He had some scratches on his face from the time I was trying to stop him from chocking me. I had bumps on my head from his banging my head on the tarred road… but those weren’t visible, they were under my hair. It took over two months for the swelling to subside. No report was ever recorded.
Domestic abuse causes psychological trauma that I personally can never explain to anyone. Matter of fact, I don’t think that if I ever explained, someone who hasn’t gone through it will understand. Instead of trying to understand why they are not leaving, if you know someone who is being abused:
1. Stop telling them to leave, honestly, it really doesnt not help. Believe it or not their brain still works. They just have a different point of view from you.
2. Spend time with them, not as a spy trying to find out what’s happening, but as someone who truly cares. Unfortunately people tend to isolate you instead
3. Respect their story and their privacy. Their story is not your latest gossip, nor is their loved one a walking devil. This stuff is real.
4. Let there be no shame, no judgement.. none.
5. Listen… just listen with every fibre of your being. Stop talking.
If after reading this, you still don’t get it, its alright. Like I said, you may never get it. Just try to be the 5 things above… that will be enough.
Nyasha Sengayi thank you for sharing your stories from work. You inspired me to share mine.
It’s almost 10 years now, and I have grown, I have become, and yet I continue to heal…
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