A Dude's Guide To Buying Sex

I don’t think anyone should be paying for sex… not directly anyway.

However with the number of heathen sisters who have taken to retailing their unmentionables being seen at Red Fox, Mannenberg, the bhombi stombi ku-areas, or kuhuku, it will be expected that certain brothers, heavily influenced by the imbibing stuff will resort to making a purchase.

If they should buy, then there are certain rules that must be adhered to. They must not be treated at leisure and one cannot pick and choose as one prefers. It is absolutely vital that you follow the rules.

The first one is, don’t talk to her like a regular girl. She knows she is a ho’ and that she wants you to pay her for sex.

Don’t give her your real name. In fact to make life easier use the same fake name all the time. The last thing you want is her calling out your real name while you’re out shopping with your wife and mother-in-law at Fife Avenue. Besides, you don’t really think her name is Lorna, do you?

Choose the shortest route to completing the deal. Otherwise, all you will end up doing is anthropomorphising her situation and noone wants that. That kinda thing will have you calling her and treating her like you have feelings for her. She doesn’t want that and you definitely don’t want that. No you don’t.

When you complete the deal, do NOT walk out of the club with her. And that holding hands business, don’t do it! Who knows where her dirty hands have been. I know a lot of you who can’t even hold your woman’s hand in public so why are you holding hers?

When you get home make sure that there are no valuable things lying around. I am not saying she is a thief but she might be! No, she wasn’t being nice to you. She wants your money.

Do not feed her. If you must, go and buy the food and make sure she waits in the car. You don’t want those young men of unseemly habits – mafesi – who dote around Sports Diner knowing your business. Besides do you really want to be seen with a woman who has had sex with everyone?

This would be an opportune time to get change because the last thing you want to do is to look for someone to break a 50 after you are done. And the agreed price MUST be honoured. Also be wary of how much the components of the transaction cost. Next thing she will be on that ‘inga ndazokupa blowjob price yakwira ndakuudza kuti sex chete 20, blowjob inondikuvadza 30′. And when the money is already in her hand cut your losses.

Do not and I mean DO NOT use her condoms. You can’t vouch them. She can’t either.

Kissing her is an absolute no-no. Who knows where her nasty lips have been. Do you really think you are the only one she has given a blowjob on that day. Surely you have heard of short time.

While banging her, do not make eye contact with her. People fall in love by doing dumb things like that. And no calling her baby or anything like that. Don’t make love to her. That is how dudes get Crabs, Herpes and the AIDS.

Also during the act, do not just romp away. Check the condom every 60 seconds. This about you, not her. And you do not want to be catching… the AIDS. A burst condom (or polo neck) is the leading cause of men fainting after sex – or jumping out of the window.

When you are done don’t let her sleep over. If she must sleep over- cause hey, shit happens – then sneak her out early in the morning. And drop her of kumakombi. None of this ‘bhebhi ndisvitse kwakati’ business.

Don’t ask for her number or let her have yours. That is a sign of weakness and she will know to take advantage of it. And you will be a her little plaything whose first letter starts with b and rhymes with itch.

If you see in the club next time, don’t talk to her. The only reason you speak to a retailer is if a) you wanna take her home. b) she took your iron, pots, blankets c) she has a nicer looking prostitute with her d) you ‘forgot’ to pay her last time and she is holding you by the belt e) she may have mentioned something about ‘discount nhasi‘.

Finally… DO NOT TURN INTO CAPTAIN SAVE-A-HO. It works in the movies not in real life. Saving her is not on your agenda.

Following these quick guidelines could mean that your deviant behaviour has less consequences than necessary. Like I said, I would rather you didn’t but if you must…